Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
