Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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