my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
