Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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