My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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