my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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