bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
