in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
