i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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