mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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