I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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