I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I smell stomach acid.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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