Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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