I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
