She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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