Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
