She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
