i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
