The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
