Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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