Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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