So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
