I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
