I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
pop tarts are not kleenex
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
