She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
