Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
