my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
