Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
