My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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