So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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