She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
