hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How does it feel to date your dad?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
