I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Farmville is her only friend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
