He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He better not be in your backpack
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
