Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
