If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I pour the whiskey from now on
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
