i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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