threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
