Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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