I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
