Your face is a jimmy john
Pappa wants mamma naked
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
