I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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