the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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