just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
