Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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