I don't usually arrange sex via text message
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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