I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
