Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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