found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
