You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
