I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
